When God Speaks: Putting the Word to Work

Here I am striking a pose before graduation

²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.-James 1:22-25 NIV

There are so many situations we face on a daily basis. Some of those situations may be over with in a second and some last months. I find the most taxing situations involve having to make critical decisions. Anyone can pride themself on being an efficient decision maker, but even the most sound-minded individual must go through a processes before reaching a finite conclusion.

In my own life, I have faced some very challenging decisions; most recently was whether or not I should return to Binghamton University in the Fall of 2011 to finish up the remainder of my senior credits. I had been away from the institution for a total of four school years and was no longer the young 21 year old who had left in 2007. Instead, I was 25 years old and without a group of friends to lean on if I chose to return. However, knowing that my time to get back in the “game” had surely arrived, a decision needed to be made.

I asked family members and outsiders for their feedback and there was no shortage of opinions given. Some expressed concern over me perhaps falling into a depression if I went back to school without a support system physically present. Some expressed how they didn’t want me to be so far away all over again; Binghamton University is about three hours from NYC. Needless to say, I felt confused and perhaps even more frustrated because an answer didn’t just fall into my lap. Going back to Binghamton was painful on the surface, but I needed my diploma.

One night, completely confused and in need of some clarity, I decided to pray. I find it quite funny how this wasn’t something I chose to do first as opposed to a last resort; I suppose many of us do this often. While praying, my heart felt a leading or urging to read a particular scripture. At this point in my life, I wasn’t a regular bible reader, but I knew I felt like I was being led to read something. My passage of clarity came in the form of Zechariah, chapter eight.

In this particular passage, Zechariah is receiving a word from the Lord about the rebuilding of the city of Jerusalem. The Lord is telling him of the marvelous things that will take place; that even though the city has suffered tragedy in the past, it will again be blessed, “³ This is what the Lord says: “I will return to Zion and dwell in Jerusalem. Then Jerusalem will be called the Faithful City, and the mountain of the Lord Almighty will be called the Holy Mountain.”

What particularly struck me, was the instruction God gave to Zechariah. He instructed them to not be afraid and to let their hands be strong for the rebuilding process. I realized my fear was keeping me from being strong and returning to finish what I’d started. I identified with the city of Jerusalem in that I had suffered tragedy and was afraid of what awaited me in the process of rebuilding my life. I felt as though God had abandoned me and was angry, but here he spoke to me with love. He was also guaranteeing his restoration of my life; that despite how much time had passed, my parents, friends and family would again rejoice with me once the process was complete. “⁴ This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Once again men and women of ripe old age will sit in the streets of Jerusalem, each of them with cane in hand because of their age. ⁵ The city streets will be filled with boys and girls playing there.” ⁹ This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Now hear these words, ‘Let your hands be strong so that the temple may be built.’ 

All I had to do was receive the word, believe in it and apply it.

Sometimes we receive a word, but don’t really believe God for such big promises. Other times when we do believe it, we’re too afraid or even lazy to take on the responsibility he imparts on us. We think our miracles are always supposed to fall in our laps. In my case and in the case of the people of Jerusalem, action was required. This also relates to the intro verse I chose, in that when God reveals a word to us, we ought to receive it, believe it and then apply it. When we fail to do so, we miss our blessing. I had to make phone calls, get paperwork in order and “march” myself back to my old stomping grounds of Binghamton, NY. And guess what? God was right. On December 11th, 2011, my mom and dad along with other family and close friends made the journey to watch me walk across the stage to receive my diploma!

Here are 3 tips that might help you receive, believe and apply should you find yourself hearing from God:

1. Pray before reading : This helps to clear your mind and allow the Holy Spirit to communicate with you. How can you hear God speak if you’re listening to the music of your own mind, ie, thoughts, doubts, fears?

2. Read and Re-read: Many times we might read something, not understand it and altogether give up on the process. Some words come easy and some may not, but the key to evading confusion is to read the word several times. Meditate on it. Examine how it may be in response to what you’re praying about.  It may also help to cross-reference with other translations (CEV, The Message, etc.) and grabbing a dictionary can also be helpful to decipher the meanings of individual words.

3. Don’t be afraid: I’ve stressed the applicational aspect of reading the word, but I can’t stress it enough. Even when you receive a “positive” word, one that seems simple, the enemy can come and steal it from you with feelings of doubt or rejection. There are also times when the instruction given seems impossible, but you can’t let fear rob you of your destined victory.  If God brings you to it, his strength will always bring you through it.

Sex Before Marriage: How One Request Revealed It’s No Longer For Me

I am not the abstinence police.

The fact that I found this….

But, what I have to say may piss some of you very faithful readers off. It may wake some up and it may comfort others. Regardless, the fact that I’ve gotten you to read this far says you might be so merciful as to finish what you’ve started. I digress to share my story…

I layed in bed one morning recently. Unable to sleep after a quick bathroom run, I stared at the ceiling, listening to a group of birds chirp unforgivingly on my windowsill. As I reached for my cell phone, I was greeted by the numbers 5:10 am. I sucked my teeth and tried to fall back asleep, but to no avail. My mind began to wander and found itself unpacking a whole host of memories; one particularly unsettling.

I’m pretty sure many of you have gotten out of relationships and although you’re in a completely healed and restored place, particular memories find their way to visit. This one involved the first time my ex asked me to, um, ride. I looked at him as if he were crazy as my heart sank to the bottom of my chest. It was bad enough, for me, that I had lost sight of a personal promise of abstinence to God. Now, I was faced with being asked for, should I say, variety? As I tried to mosey my way out of this serious request, I soon realized it would become reoccuring until done.  So I did what any girl in a “seriously committed” relationship would do; I got in position. Now, this is as descriptive of the scene as I will get. Sorry folks. But one thing was clear, I was very emotionally uncomfortable. It seemed the many “grown folk, sister girl” conversations in college about “taking control” and not being afraid, forgot to mention the amount of vulnerability, emotion and overall guts it takes to open youself up to someone in that way.

In that moment, it became immediately clear how as an over 25 year old woman I had consented to an adult activity; I couldn’t be upset if I was presented with a harmless request for variety. He simply saw it as a couple working to avoid boredom or routine. He couldn’t understand my constant frustration or reluctance. As many of us women do, I tucked my uncomfortable feelings way below the surface instead of taking care of myself by being honest.

Reflecting on the experience, I cringed myself all the way back to sleep that morning and the reason is beyond two-fold. Some of you might say I just didn’t know what I was doing. Some of you might say my “religiosity” had me tied up. While I won’t shun any of those conclusions, here’s three reasons why I won’t be drinking tea from the “sex before marriage” cup anymore. #RealTalk

1. Not My Husband: While I can see some of you now, rolling your eyes, I’d like to stand firmly by this thought. I realized I was genuinely ashamed or better yet embarassed  over getting so loose; even though we were in a relationship, dude had not signed up to make a lifelong committment to me. The fact that I would someday have to explain to my husband how I’d gotten so good at such a bold move had my stomach in constant knots. God’s word says in Proverbs 31: “He who finds a wife, finds a virtue.” I’m well aware of how our culture has given us a carte blanche on perfecting the art of sex before marriage, but I still think it’s a beautiful thing for a man to find me as a virtue. God’s word also says in Romans 12:1-2: “Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God. This is your reasonable service. Be ye not conformed to the patterns of this world, but be ye transformed by the renewal of your mind.” I’ve come to understand that choosing to be honest with myself and others about what is best for me is only fair.  I am willing to wait and be special enough for only one man; he’ll receive the honor of being able to teach me as his wife.

2. Guilt: I’d like to compare this to say, drinking soda. Soda isn’t harmful on the surface. It tastes good and sometimes gives you the kick you need, but overall we know it’s strong enough to damage cars; no need to explain the effects it can have on health.  The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:23:“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.” Some of us, so long as we don’t suffer any immediately negative consequences, keep on with behavior we know won’t benefit us in the long-run. I was clear of pregnancy drama or disease fear, so what seemed to be the problem? The problem was I have been firmly rooted in something that wasn’t going to disappear at the sight of pleasure. Through everything life has rendered me, I could not deny God’s hand over my life. I loved my boyfriend, but not more than my God. The all-consuming guilt I felt each time constantly hung around me. Sometimes I could keep it at bay, but not for long before it would subtly creep up on me.  I was depleting from my spirit and I knew it. Subconsciously, I thought my age merited the right to experience but as soon the need for change arised, I realized I couldn’t ignore my deepest emotions any longer. And ladies let me inform you, once you let a man in on that level, he’ll want to stay there. Please don’t believe the hype that he’ll stop with you. The relationship will start to suffer.

3. Peace of Mind: When you’re in middle school and trying to make friends, acting outside of your value set might be acceptable, even normal. When you’ve reached adulthood, not so much. There comes a point in every person’s life where you have to adopt the “take it or leave it” mentality. With this person, I kept straddling the fence so to speak. Unfortunately, once you open the door to sex in a non-marital relationship, going backwards is, like I said,almost hazardous. T.D. Jakes puts it like this, “If you get in bed with sin and enjoy it, you can’t be so crazy as to think you can easily fight against it.” Realizing all of the above along with who I know myself to truly be, it became clear that accepting a desire to wait does nothing more than bring me peace of mind. I’m free because I completely accept it. Doesn’t mean I’m made of steel and don’t live in a world with other humans, but this peace “surpasses all understanding.” God’s word says in 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptationhas overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” This concept may not work for everyone, but that’s the beauty about being equally yoked. Give people who don’t want what you want a chance to exit your life. You’re doing everybody a favor and when you establish yourself in peace, you don’t owe anybody anything. And until the vows are read, I no longer owe anybody anything.

Keeping Strong: Why Summer Marks the Middle of the Year and Not the End

I know- pretty long title. But you essentially get the point. If not, allow me to elaborate.    

How many times as a kid, a teenager or even a college-aged adult, did you look at the calendar, realize it was April and start the magical countdown to what you considered “the end?” If you didn’t, then you missed out on a whole movement better known as the “end of the year” countdown.

Recently, on a visit to Salesian High School of New Rochelle, NY, I noticed something interesting. While doing social observations for my HDEV class, I saw a big 26 etched in bright colors on the edge of the blackboard. The teacher explained how this number signified the countdown to what some call freedom, graduation or simply, “no more work.” I laughed, continued observing, but soon found  myself reminiscing over the countdowns of my own academic career. Unfortunately, once you become a professional and assume responsibilities, you realize very quickly how the world doesn’t stop revolving just because the seasons are changing. As a Resident Director at a university here in New York City, I can tell you how much of an impact this “almost over” mentality has; it’s not necessarily positive.

While I don’t plan on shouting any of my students out, I will say work ethic, priorities and overall motivation either changes or becomes non-existent once the slightest hint of warmer temperatures come around. In talking to some of them, I’ve come to realize they are either stressed, tired or overall burnt out from balancing a school-year’s worth of responsibility and committment. Despite my avid sympathy for them, as I was once in their shoes, I try to explain what’s awaiting them upon graduation;  the fact is the end of the year doesn’t truly come until December 31st and when you start a real job, becoming disengaged and showing a lack of commitment just won’t cut it.

Much to my dismay, when sharing, I’ve gotten looks of shock and even some side eyes. However, I can’t help but want to stress to all of you as much as I do them on the importance of staying motivated  and even professional when the summer months begin to set in. I do understand the days get longer, the sun hotter and plans for leisure more elaborate, but your dreams and aspirations shouldn’t take a backseat simply because Mr. Softy starts making his rounds. I’ve decided to impart some words of wisdom in the form of 3 tips that have helped me when I’ve found myself starting to slip down the drain of summertime obscurity.

1. Set Quarterly Goals:  Once you understand and accept the concept of summer being in the middle of an entire year, you’ll be able to grasp the concept of setting quarterly goals. While it’s important to set goals at the beginning of every year and cross them off as you go along, setting goals by quarters is a bit more realistic and sometimes easier to achieve. For example, from January to March would be quarter one, April to June would be quarter two, July to September would be three and October to December would be four. By separating your goals and putting them into different quarters, you’re better able to assess what can be more long-term versus what requires immediate attention. You can also better assess how you’ll feel putting certain goals for certain periods of the year. Perhaps during the summer months you can revamp your resumes and do more networking while having a burger or two.

2. Keep Positive Affirmations Visible: You are what you read? That’s not the exact quote, but my point here is, when listening to a song you like, how soon are you able to memorize the words and even allow them to become part of your life? Start keeping words of inspiration, quotes or even uplifting bible verses in places like the door of your fridge, dorm room, the mirror of your dresser or even sticky notes on your laptops. For those of you more technologically sophisticated folks, perhaps setting your backgrounds with the aforementioned can help to keep you going when you feel like slacking off. On all my doors, I have the word “Focus” attached to the bible verse Habakuk 2:3, serving as a reminder that my goals can’t get accomplished if I don’t make an effort to focus on them.

3. Take Time for Self: Don’t take this out of context by going on unnecessary breaks when at work; playing with your phone or sitting on Facebook and calling it a break when you have work to do. Making time for yourself involves getting to bed at a reasonable hour so you can wake up maybe 30 minutes to an hour earlier to either pray,meditate or exercise. Our culture has us obsessed with keeping up with everybody else but ourselves. Perhaps taking 30 minutes away from your Facebook surfing to journal your feelings when feeling less than productive, you’ll be able to keep those emotions from getting bottled up while making personal assessments. When we’re able to see where we stand, we’re able to know what our next move needs to be. For some of us, that move is getting our heads back in the “game.”

Thy Will Be Done: 21 Days of Purification

“Purify yourselves through worship“- Isaiah 52:11 NIV

No sugar. No Starbucks coffee. No fried foods and absolutely no soda. For 21 days.

I know this initially reads like some dietary bootcamp for something like Tough Mudder, but it’s not. This experience might be a bit more taxing depending on who you ask because fasting is never easy.

I had done a Daniel Fast last year and upon stepping into this year, I declined my church’s invitation to go through it again. Life just isn’t complete without Saturdays at Ihop. However, life has a funny way of getting from you what is required and in my case it was another round of sacrifice.  Looking at my life now, in comparison to the years passed, I realized a measely 21 days of no “luxury food” wouldn’t kill me. Those of you who have been following this site long enough know that my early twenties were completely shattered after my having suffered a major spiritual attack at the age of 21.  Coming out of that left me with emotions of depression, anger, and complete hopelessness. Despite everything, what affected me most, was eventually hating my birthday. Many people who know me personally, can attest to the fact that I used to treat my birthday like a national holiday. True story.

However, during that darkened period of my life, I grew to loathe it. March 1st served as a sore reminder that my world was on a steady decline with each new year. From my periphery, it seemed like things only kept getting worse while I watched my peers go off and tackle this exciting thing called life.  Unfortunately, when you’re 18 years old, you think by 30 you’ll be married and completely established; you never stop to think life will somehow pay you a visit. Maybe a few failed test scores, missed registration dates, or even a break-up or two would suffice, but there’s never the expectation of getting sick. But now that I’m standing on the other side of what was a life-changing mess,  I saw it fit to take a moment from deadlines, responsibilities and assignments to allow God to clearly get through to me.  And, I wanted to get back to that place of celebrating my entrance into this world.

I could’ve just threw myself a fancy party right?

Ironically, that’s what I thought this fast was going to be about- stopping in the midst of operating in my blessings to commune with God to eventually receive more blessings.  While that’s how most of us think when it comes to sacrifice, in that we give up something now in order to eventually inherit something greater, one biblical passage changed my perspective. Through reading Isaiah 52 one night, I realized fasting is more about giving than receiving. It provides us an opportunity not just to cleanse and be open to God’s leading, but it offers us the opportunity to worship him. I used to think saying prayers or giving praise during a song was all the worship I needed to give, but when you can take yourself away from everything that “matters” and focus your attention on God for an exteneded period of time, that’s when you are truly worshipping. Trust me, when you can’t have that Pepsi or that Caramel Macchiato, rest assured you’ll need to keep your focus on God to get through.  Something else I learned was often times we don’t see fasting as an opportunity but rather a requirement; a demanding step we have to cross in order to get to the next blessing. However, I realized that only when you come to a point of surrender can you really enjoy the process of elimination and actually stick to it.

But it’s over now and it wasn’t perfect. And there were days where my dietary selections were borderline questionable,  headaches from no caffeine plagued me and angst arose when my Resident Assistants put glorious baked goods on sale in our lobbies. However, I know what it’s given me. A renewed spirit. A deeper understanding of where I’m at in my life and why. What I should be keeping and what I should be letting go of.

And now, with open arms, I welcome 27.

Removing the Speck From My Eye: How a Documentary Taught Me to Stop Judging

I was one of those people who clicked “like” on a statement inferring that Beyonce had chosen to put this documentary out with marketing purposes on the forefront. I was one of those people who was sorely “over” the highly amped Super Bowl performance. And I was most definitely one of those people looking for any source of vanity during her Oprah special that would support my suspicions of her being self-affected by fame.

But honestly, I feel like somewhat of a fool after watching her documentary for myself. While watching, it felt like I kept getting knocked in the head with the slogan: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Of course it may seem like I’m being a bit melodramatic, but as a consumer, I was getting tired of the intentional coyness on her part and the heightened obsession people had begun to develop. Lately, it seemed like you could not turn on anything pop culture, without seeing this woman either being glorified or defamed. I do understand celebrities put themselves on a platform for us consumers, supporters and “stans” to criticize. But the crazy thing is, my criticism was coming from a place of irritation over how little I knew about the woman whose “4” album is on regular rotation in my car. I felt like it was her obligation to make her life plain before us; what seemed to be the big deal about letting supporters know if you’re pregnant or not? And what seems to be the problem if you show some PDA with a man whose your husband of almost four years. Having followed Beyonce’s career since her “DC” days and understanding that people are supposed to “grow up,” I just could not understand just what the big deal was all about.

My clarity came from watching “Life is But a Dream.”

Beyonce mirrors an aspect of every single woman who struggles with a lack of self-confidence while being on the cusp of greatness. And before you jump on me for suggesting that Beyonce has low self-confidence, let me clarify just what I mean.

Self-Confidence is described as the socio-psychological concept related to self-assuredness in one’s personal judgment, ability, and power.  Now, looking at someone like Beyonce from magazine covers and her sometimes “tight-lipped” style interviews, you might perceive her as having loads of it; her choreographed perfection sometimes teetering on the edge of it being manifested excessively. However, via the little she was able to share with the world in this documentary, is revealed someone who struggled to make sense of life and initially stand tall in the decisions she makes. She struggles with her power, ability, and wisdom; just like I do and probably like you too. And even though sharing makes you human, everything has its time and place. This perhaps is her time.

After watching both shows, my mother and I sat around sharing our thoughts. In the midst of my being analytical of how tense she looked with Oprah, my mom interrupted me to ask: “When have you ever felt your most afraid? Afraid of your power? Afraid of your gift of writing? Afraid that people will reject you, envy or betray you simply for owning and making the most of what God has blessed you with? Now imagine having the whole world all over you,, every instant? The world feeling like you owe them your soul. Could you handle tackling those fears in that spotlight? getting past your insecurities?” Being that I could only imagine, I felt embarassed. I felt embarassed for being so critical of someone I don’t know and probably will never know. I realized how judgmental I sounded towards a human with whom I acutally share the same issues and concerns. No, I don’t have her money, power, fame or access. However, I am a woman and the same desire to be wanted, loved, respected, appreciated, prayed for, and of course successful, run through my veins.

So who cares if she doesn’t want to show us her baby’s face or if she doesn’t tongue Jay-Z out in public or isn’t making a mockery of herself at every turn. Does it matter that she wants her consumers to love her solely for what she can give to them, being her talent? Does protecting her soul or her womanhood make her “fake?” I concluded that it doesn’t.

In thinking about the goals, dreams and aspirations I have for myself as a writer, an author, a future wife, a future mother, a future counselor, I can only imagine what the process will be like every step of the way. I can only imagine what the beginning of each new chapter will feel like and from this 1:25:02 presentation, I walked away with the clear understanding that in life, only you know what’s best for yourself. You can only have respect for someone who wants to live a normal life and appreciate the day-to-day blessings in the midst of a life that is beyond normal.

The Electrical Room and Desperation: How Olivia Pope Lost My Respect

 

I could not believe my eyes. I just could not believe what was taking place against all those wires. I actually felt almost embarassed for encouraging my mother to jump on the Scandal bandwagon during this particular episode.

As all of America watched Fitz rip off Liv’s La Perla- styled underwear, with an intensity bordering rage, I couldn’t bare to answer the phone which kept blinking “Mom.”

At first, when I saw Fitz bolting behind her, I got excited.  I thought perhaps this man was ready for a real conversation; a releasing of unspoken words needing to be heard. I thought he’d maybe grab at her, release a passionate kiss followed by some tears or maybe an apology for not asking questions about what she’d done to him. But never, I mean never, did I think a woman’s soul, self-respect and value would be reduced to a few quick rear-thrusts, followed by one of the most heinous and retweeted lines probably in Twitter history: “I may not be able to control my erections around you, but we are done!”

The look on Olivia’s face was priceless. Disgust. Shame. Hurt. Betrayal and the list could go on. She thought they could fix it.

I sat bewildered, full of questions, as I watched Twitter explode with reactions. Some people were turned on by the scene; commenting on how normal it is for two people who are forbidden from each other to engage in a secret moment of sorts. But, no, I simply wasn’t buying it. Again, I found myself on the other side of the proverbial line thinking: how could a woman so intelligent, resourceful, professional and outwardly respected allow her body to become a dumping ground for uncontrollable lust, rage and disrespect? How could she, after so much time, allow her heart to be re-shattered into pieces? Why didn’t she continue slapping him? Why didn’t she walk out?  Did she think the sex would keep him? Make him change his mind and unite them? Is this what successful women have to deal with? Should look forward to? The sad part, aside from having no answers, is while she’s only a fictional character in a finely crafted weekly drama, she represents a population of women in this world. Black, brown, yellow or white, there are women who can’t seem to understand or realize their personal value. They can’t seem to grasp the power they possess, and even when they do, a la Olivia, they allow it to be robbed by manipulation of the phallus.

If there’s anything this episode should teach its faithful female, and male viewers, it should be that only people in desperation behave that way. Anyone with true emotions invested in a relationship, even as corrupt as theirs, would not allow the destructive ones to rule. You might question my experience with passion or wonder if I’m being judgmental, but we’re not talking passion and I’m not passing judgment; we’re talking self-worth and respect. No matter how polished “Olivia’s” outside might be, if a man can have his way with you and verbally assault you afterwards, it’s clear you don’t have any.

T.D. Jakes once stated, “Women are the portal through which life is created. Women are in divine communication with the giver of life and should understand what kind of power they have.” And to the Olivia’s out there, it’s time to understand.

Why Olivia Pope Got it All Wrong: Love is Not Supposed to Hurt

I’ll be the first to admit- it took me awhile to get on-board the Olivia Pope train. Week after week, my facebook timeline would be flooded with spoilers and rants of either frustration or excitement about Shonda Rhimes’ storylines. However, I never thought I’d become one of those people. But I have- and last night, there seemed to be no words to describe my thoughts.

Unsurprisingly, I wasn’t alone.

As I sat on my sofa, paralyzed by shock at what I was witnessing, I couldn’t help but want to jump through the screen and shake her. Not because Edison is the most handsome man or because his initial proposal seemed so sincere, but because Olivia’s actions and thought process represented the ridiculous mistake women make all too often: turning down good love for pain that looks like love.

As many facebook and twitter followers did, I had taken a side; minute-by-minute commentary made it seem like a social media volleyball line had formed itself. Some, including Kerry Washington, according to Twitter, took the scenes of her making that decision and subsequently getting duped by Fitz, as  a wakeup call for women to realize that love should not be any of the things Olivia mentioned. They expressed how detrimental that type of mentality really is. However, there were others who adamantly agreed that good love equates to sacrifice, pain and tumultuous circumstances.

But seriously, is that really what love is supposed to be like? Isn’t true love supposed to enrich your life, make you see the qualities of God in someone else? Perhaps establish a foundation for others to grow from?

According to 1Corinthians 13, the original blueprint for love, true love has nothing to do with gut-wrenching anything. Life-changing, yes, but not in the way that negatively affects your life and on purpose. She wanted to be in pain on purpose! In subconciously choosing a side, I didn’t do so narrow-mindedly. I understand, and even shared the mentality where facing and conquering challenge in love seemed bold; like progress was being made every time a raging war in the form of arguments or confrontation had calmed. Those relationships somehow make you feel like you’re constantly being raised to a new level of growth and intimacy.  Perhaps that’s what Liv was referencing.

And sure, love should have challenges. If your relationship manages to survive racial, economic or educational adversities, then yes, challenge well fought.  But, what happens when you’re fighting unnecessary battles? Being “patient” for a love that is and will continue to be toxic. What about the relationships that have become taxing, degrading and overall frustrating? Where is the victory?   When we hang on or try to fight through, do the victories really make us champions or beat up “gladiators?” As I watched Liv get dumped by a man who already had a wife and could only offer her verbal allegiance, I found myself getting angry rather than sympathetic.  She could’ve had the good life she mentioned; children, love and peace knowing she accepted a man who truly wanted her and could honestly have her.

After the tempestuous episode, I was left with one question: Why do we women, and sometimes men, go out of our way to make life miserable, then turn around and say we’ve missed out on our chance at love?

My answer: we’re on the wrong side of the line.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.